Re-entry from our week at the beach has been hard. You can loose yourself in the vastness of the sea and drown the memories that fight for attention. Since returning we have all been on the skids, not sure exactly why. Could be that the cumulative grief load has finally grown into an incapacitating, crippling mass.
I have lost some of the emotional equilibrium that I had gathered and find myself again rapidly cycling several times a day. At moments I’m standing on a shaky platform of OK and then am seized by despair. Today’s trigger was walking into a store featuring back to school/decorate your dorm stuff. It took my breath away. Had to jettison my list and leave.
It’s not that I begrudge others the pleasure of this nesting and planning, rather its that it brings floods of memories of how Morgan and I planned and shopped to launch her into her “grown up” life at VT. Hopes and dreams for Morgan’s life were ended by a savage murder.
I watch young fresh faced girls and their mamas searching for the perfect set of sheets for college. My experience of that shared activity is tainted by my overlay, because my memory is of cutting Morgan’s perfect college sheets off her bed and bagging them as scent items for dogs. That thought cascade pulls me right back down again into the rabbit hole of WHY?
It’s a tough place we’ve been forced into, an ugly world of sadness /death/ DNA/ and murder. This is where Morgan’s death has taken us and so we must follow as well as we can. We are able to soldier on because the love, support, and prayers of many holds us up. The past 9 months have been full of uncertainty and darkness but we seek to give birth to truth and to find answers, not for retribution but to protect the next girl. I’m not looking for satisfaction. What I’m after is safety, so that another precious life is not ended by this evil.