March 10, 2010
We are so fragile, raw, more fear based, which is not our typical state. We find ourselves locking up and checking up more at home. Dan gets anxious if he calls me more than 3 times and I don’t answer – afraid that I’ve been taken too. Baseline, I am sloppy about the cell phone. I leave it in the car, or at home, or don’t turn it on, or neglect to recharge it consistently. Seeing the fear in his eyes, I resolve to change my behavior.
Normally, I consider myself to be fairly strong and grounded. After Morgan was abducted and killed, I find I am not so sure of myself and easily overwhelmed. Regular stuff is more difficult. Even dropping the dog off at the vet is traumatic in a way. Ever since our girl didn’t come back, all leave-takings are pain filled.
Every single task I put my hand to reminds me of Morgan. I cook broccoli and start to reflexively put a portion aside for her. Morgan liked margarine, not butter like the rest of the family. These numerous meaningless incidentals in the course of my day invoke Morgan and pull me up short with a blast of grief and loss. It’s like ripping the scab off a wound over and over and over. Will this ever heal?
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