The basic assumptions we held about our life are wrong now and must be remade and adjusted. Like we have no daughter anymore. It is painful and hard to reconfigure our reality. I have to watch myself and not let that pain turn me bitter and sour. I started to go that way working in the yard the other day cleaning up some of the debris and twigs from a very long winter.
Usually this task is fun for me. I enjoy seeing the greening of the earth and feeling the burgeoning life that spring brings forth. This year I didn’t allow that quickening of joy in myself. Instead my internal dialogue was “ the very dirt is coming alive today, but that box of ashes on the coffee table is as dead and inert as it was a week ago, and as dead as it’ll be a year from now. It isn’t right.” Not a good direction for my thoughts. The pit falls and pity parties are everywhere.
Our new life is devoid of much joy- perhaps we will find it sometime in the future. We are still working on survival. The caring and love of others pulls me from despair the path to survival. Once we have mastered survival we can encourage the blossoming of joy again. Someday.
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