Part of the struggle with connecting to joy is the guilt, for even wanting it or considering joy a reasonable possibility or a right? How could we find pleasure when you are finished: never to feel anything again?  Somehow I must accept that it is OK for me to live, even though you are dead. That is a tough one.

It is difficult to let go of all the plans, dreams and assumptions I didn’t even know I had made about the future and you being part of it.   Morgan, I miss you my sweet girl.  We are all trying but this is so, so hard. I say the proper answer when asked, “Yes, I am OK” or even say I’m doing fine.  None of us are really fine, OK is a stretch; but we put on a mask everyday.  Hoping that, eventually pretence trickles away and it really does start to feel ok. 

We are grappling and wrestling with transformation.  What an impasse.  Reluctant to let go of the lives we were planning to live, but that no longer exist.  Unwilling to move into the lives we have been given.  Paralysis? Or is it a necessary hiatus that will allow us to grow into theses new skins?

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4 Responses to “Gil Harrington’s thoughts from May 24th, 2010”

  1. Karen from C'ville says:

    Mrs. Harrington,

    Yes, Morgan’s physical body is dead, but her spirit lives on. Morgan wouldn’t want for you to feel guilt and pain because you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s okay to remove the facade and allow in the presence of what is real-raw emotions. Mrs. Harrington, you can live for Morgan and carry out her legacy-you are the best person for that job and that’s why Morgan chose you. You are in the process of transformation (no matter how painful)and you will see,in time, the path that you will follow is beautiful, powerful, and filled with love.

  2. Laura says:

    I am so sad for you Harrington family…. I can’t even fathom the pain and loss you are feeling. I hope that in time it gets easier to bear but it is not fair that you should even have to bear such a loss….

  3. sandra says:

    It is okay for you to show your emotions. It’s okay for you to say “no, i’m not doing okay” some monster took my daughter…he stole her life…NO, I’M NOT OKAY. I pray for your family and I pray that the monster will be caught….soon.

  4. Christie says:

    You are “going forward” as people tend to say, but how could you be o.k. or fine? Most wouldn’t expect you to be. There isn’t a time line on this kind of pain. You will always have Morgan in your heart, no one can ever take her that way. From what you’ve said about Morgan, she’d want you to charge ahead with your mission. I continue to pray for you all, and that the person who took her life will be apprehended. They will pay one day.

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