We returned yesterday from out of town. It was difficult to leave the refuge of our home for several days. Being away seemed to open vulnerabilities in me. Just didn’t manage to compose myself and protect myself in the usual way, perhaps because I had less control, less predictability, or just didn’t know how to read the cues in a different environment. 

I found myself ambushed by anguish and tears at unexpected moments: at dinner, in an elevator, even at the airport. I am surprised to be falling apart in this way so many months after Morgan’s murder. Shouldn’t it be getting better?   

Ironically if was also hard to return home to Roanoke. Our sense of sanctuary here has been shattered. I guess we will never feel totally safe again anywhere. That’s one of the ways we have been changed by our encounter with evil.

That violation makes us feel more fragile and act more cautiously. I check the doors and windows more often now. I rarely open them to catch the morning breeze and I draw the blinds early against the night’s blackness. I wonder if this will improve after the arrest of Morgan’s killer(s). I hope so; I don’t want to contemplate the rest of our lives colored with fear.

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6 Responses to “Gil Harrington’s thoughts from May 26th, 2010”

  1. Tori says:

    Gil,
    Thanks for sharing your innermost feelings. I find myself checking this site every other day to keep up with your progress and I completely understand how it moves so slowly. You will find justice for Morgan, that day will come! Only then will your wounded heart begin to heal.
    Peace & Love,
    Tori

  2. Lucie says:

    I am thinking about you and reading your blogs regularly. You’re doing a good job.

  3. Paula says:

    Gil,

    I check you all the time just like Tori and Lucie. I lost a boyfriend to suicide, different type of death, I know, but I was in a lot of shock in the months after the act. I reacted the way you are describing now many, many months out. Be gentle on yourself. You are doing great.

    Love,
    Paula

  4. Jule says:

    Beth:

    I visit your site weekly. Call it my new new obsession. God made me a writer; not an investigator, but I have somehow become so enmeshed in this case, a total stranger, here I am here to offer my energy, strength and perseverance to help you locate your daughter’s killer. Starting with interviewing the people who are connected to the Anchorage Farm where Morgan’s remains were found. I feel we are sitting on top of a volcano about to erupt. I am not psychic, nor do I purport to be, but the one thing that keeps coming back to my mind is the people who maintain that farm, notwithstanding those who overlook it and/or own it. A deep connection to this area is your biggest clue as to whom would be responsible for your daughter’s murder. Evil wears a mask and NO ONE who has any ties, no matter, how minimal, should be discounted! I want to help you. If you are interested, simply email me at: jcann71@gmail.com. God Bless.

  5. Leslie Hartman says:

    Dear Gil,

    I too read your blog regularly.Last night I read all of them again.I watched the little video also. It made me cry. I just want you to know I care about you and your family. I can’t even begin to understand what you all are going through, but I wish to offer you love and compassion. I also wanted to tell you something my friend recently told me. He had a dream right after Morgan disappeared. He said he saw a lovely blond girl dressed all in black laying in a hay field. He said he talked to her and she told him she was going to be okay. When she was discovered in that field, he said it gave him chills. He wished he could have seen more or learned more from the dream. God bless you all and I know that soon justice will be served!

  6. Ann H Tearle says:

    Dear Gil,

    “Shouldn’t it be getting better?” Oh, God Bless you, Dear Gil, how I wish it would! I know these months have been hellish for you, and now, it gets worse, so many months later. That’s grief for you. I think it won’t get better, until you go through what you are experiencing right now. I also think your head knows this, but your gut is railing against it. Please be very gentle with yourself through this time. The grief will continue to ambush you, when it wants and where it wants without your permission, until it wears itself out. Kind of like Katrina…..Your Beloved Morgan will be in your heart forever (2-4-1); grief will be with you in your pocket as your unwanted companion as long as it takes to let you be.Just know, you are loved, held up high by all our prayers, thoughts and wishes for you and your Dear Family. I will never forget. With love, Ann

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