Returning from the other side of the world is always difficult. You are tired and jet lagged and regardless try to jump right back into a full schedule. I was prepared for that challenge. What I was not prepared for was being back at square one with my grief for Morgan. It was like her murder had just happened, the rawness and the pain shocking in intensity.

Before I left for Zambia I had managed to find a place of some peace and equilibrium, fragile though it was. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed, bombarded by the obscenity of our loss anew. How could someone have brutally murdered our shiny wonderful girl?  How could this have happened to her? To us?

I felt besieged, attacked. Even small things grated. Photos of Morgan that I had previously found refuge in, her sweet face all around our house, now a reproach not comfort. “Why me? You didn’t keep me safe. He walks free and I am only dust in your hands.” The unfairness and the waste of her great promise just infuriating.

I guess I need some time. Time to make all the bargains and adjustments necessary to cushion this mortal blow to our family- again. Time to relinquish all the dreams and plans, the assumptions about a future- again.

I am tired. It is tempting to give up, but I am not so flat busted that I can allow his evil to go unchecked. Will dig deep. I can find tomorrow at least, sure of that much.

241, My little Mogo.

3 Responses to “Gil Harrington’s Thoughts from May 3rd, 2010”

  1. Gina says:

    Our dearest Gil, this truly will be a roller coaster ride again for you. Sleep and getting over jet lag will reorient you. You are one strong , powerful woman and we will all help your family get through this as best we can. I find solace in prayer. John Paul II said that “Prayer is strength for the weak”. You may feel weak now, so I hope that you can find some quiet time to reconnect with Morgan’s spirit in prayer. By the way, Dan has been super strong while you have been away. I loved the pictures from the counter rally!.

  2. Michele says:

    I feel like an intruder almost – reading these private thoughts on your grief that none of us “strangers” can understand. Even though I am a stranger to you and your loved ones, I think of Morgan often and how tragic it is that her life was cut short and especially in the way it was cut short. I will pray tonight for your Morgan and you and all of your loved ones – I truly hope that you can find some measure of peace to sustain you. I will also pray that justice will be done some day and that her her killer will be found and punished.

  3. Penny says:

    My heart aches for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers often. I pray for the monster to be caught. I pray for some peace to come to your family. I pray that you will receive strength for each day.

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