We have to find a relationship with Morgan that transcends the inconvenient fact of her death. I am not sure how to do that yet.
Healing demands inclusion of memories and hopefully integrating them into a new reality/life. Trying to accomplish this and winnowing through our memory cascade of life with Morgan so quickly derails into wallowing in grief and loss. We must somehow learn to mute that pain circuit so we can build on the foundation of love and remembrances we have and move our triangulated family forward.
I realize that we honor Morgan most completely when we live in a full and gracious way. I just can’t get on the happy track though; we are working at it but it is almost as if we feel that being happy would signify that we had not loved Morgan enough.
The suddenness of violent death is disorienting. It makes you go a little crazy; sometimes we act in a really counterintuitive way. This weekend is a perfect example. Moths are drawn to the flame; we are not Luna moths but lunatic moths, perversely drawn to where Morgan’s flame was snuffed out, mesmerized by the blackness of shadows as we quest for justice. A holiday weekend, we could have gone anywhere, but we had to open the wound again and found ourselves drawn, compelled to the Copeley Bridge in Charlottesville. There we flutter around the void of your absence, Morgan, and wish so hard we could escape the call to darkness and be pulled instead by vestiges of light. Shiny girl show us a way.
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