Another Wobble

Most days my perspective is good. I accept the fact of Morgan’s murder and find comfort in recalling the many positives we have wrestled from that hideous act.

The Morgan Harrington Virginia Tech Carilion School of Medicine Scholarship
OMNI School Building in Zambia
Help Save The Next Girl Foundation
Familial DNA testing in Virginia

Reviewing those accomplishments usually does the trick and stops my slide into self pity and sadness; but acceptance is hard to sustain. I also have a mental surrender ritual that can sometimes help. I relinquish it all, every part of Morgan I can remember:
Starting with the glorious/alien feeling of Morgan squirming in my belly as she quickened; the baby powder/soap/milky infant smell; toddler starfish fingers clasping fat crayons; school age anxt over mastering the big 2 wheeler bike – soon replaced by 16 year old jitters about driving; and moving away to college, so excited to be independent and proud of your first, and last, apartment.

Then I keep going. I relinquish all the Morgan we didn’t get to have. The flowering of Morgan into adulthood – spouse – children – career; I turn loose of it all, every smidge. And I am empty, but now calm, and that’s a good place; a nice compromise with grief. Next, I fill the empty with busy. Much to accomplish; I must get productive.

This strategy works 90% of the time, until my little determined house of cards is jostled by something, like an anniversary. Three years since your body was found. Then I wobble and go right back down the rabbit hole of anguish. Why Morgan?  How could he?  Did she suffer?  How long?  Was she scared, or did the mercy of oblivion come quickly? The nightmare chorus never ends.

I don’t want Morgan photos, or Morgan legacy. I want the REAL, breathing, flesh Morgan here – again. I know. It can never be.

Like Morgan’s childhood 2 wheeler bike ride, I wobble and fall and end up at the beginning, back in the hole of grief. With time it has gotten easier to get up and try again. Looking out at our bird feeder in today’s snow: scarlet flash of cardinal feeding; I see the bird, not spurt of blood. I am grateful.

Wobbly though it is, this is growth.


9 Responses to “Gil Harrington’s Thoughts on a Third Anniversary”

  1. Cory says:

    Yesterday I checked in on the blog as I often do and realized it was the anniversary of finding Morgan….weird how I chose this day to check in. Harrington family you are not alone in your prayers for justice for Morgan, there is a not so small army of Morgans extended “family” who care and will continue to care no matter how long it takes. I heard about the blonde feathered hawk….you are no doubt correct that Morgan is watching over…your girl has left quite an impression on many! Blessings of peace and continued prayers for resolution. 2-4-1 Cory

  2. Abigail says:

    As a mother of a soon to be teenage daughter I can only begin to imagine your pain and suffering, and it breaks my heart just thinking about it. Hang in there and try to keep your chin up in trying to find the monster who took your love, your baby girl from you. 241 to you and Morgan..ours is, love you BIG TONS. I just cannot fathom your strength. You are amazing and I know Morgan would be so proud.

  3. sandy says:

    Your words of pain just break my heart. I always hope to hear on the news that have caught the person responsible for her death. I pray for peace for your family…I pray for misery for the person responsible or that know…such misery that someone will come forward.

  4. Karen says:

    I am hoping that 2013 will be the year that Morgan’s killer is apprehended, tried and is incarcerated for the rest of his life. You could then begin to have some sort of closure. My thoughts and prayers continue with you and your family as they have for the past 3 years. I make it a habit of checking your blogs weekly hoping that you will have some positive leads on her killer. Hopefully 2013 will be the year. 2-4-1 Karen

  5. Rachel says:

    I think of you and your family often and thought I’d check back in with your blog. I’ll do my best to keep a place open for you to go when your thoughts & grief fill the air around you. Other people take it on, I’m convinced. When your sadness gets unbearable & then you feel it lift somehow, another mother is crying for you. We share it with you because we have no choice but for our hearts to break together. We’re here whether you know us or not, with love.

  6. tcaros says:

    Our thoughts are with your family. We can never truly rid the world of evil, but we can band together as good people for a cause to stop the violence. I commend you and your family for doing that in honor to Morgan’s life.
    I was encouraged to hear that they had apprehended Vanessa Pham’s killer in Fairfax. I’m sure you may have heard of it. She was near Morgan’s age. I hold hope that Morgan’s killer will be found soon. While it can never bring her back it will provide some relief knowing that person would be brought to justice and not harm another person.
    I know it’s little consolation, but that day will come. God Bless.

  7. Jenny W. says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. I can’t say I understand exactly what you are going through because I have not been through it, but I can imagine the pain you feel. It makes me cry, I would be so weak…so weak…God Bless you and your family and may Morgan rest in peace. Thinking of you all and hope this year is the year someone will say something about what happened.

  8. gina says:

    I was watching “Mystery Detectives” the other night. The story was about Abigail Church. The case had gone cold and a new detective was assigned who knew that all fingerpints are not in AFIS, only violent crimes. He then sent the fingerprints to the 92 counties who maintained their own databases. I don’t know if this goes for DNA, but it is worth a shot. I think of Morgan often, she was probably like my daughter and took over when you needed her. She WILL lead you to her killer. A hawk is a powerful bird. Morgan is showing you her power is still with you. God Bless you all.

  9. NA says:

    Gil, you are a very talented writer and have a beautiful way with words. You should author some books and become famous. Seriously! Unfortunately, the way this life works, is the more “important” one is, the more attention one gets, i.e. the more exposure Morgan’s case will get and an increase in chances that it will be solved. This is just ridiculous that this “person” still hasn’t been caught. Why were there no security cameras at the venue? Did her phone send a ping from anywhere? Obviously this “person” is out there, and unless he is in jail, I am sure he has committed another crime, as from all the things about criminology I’ve learned, it seems when people commit these type of crimes they get a rush, and repeat it. They really need to tie it to more recent disappearances/murders/rapes of women, to establish a link. They should also be able to tell if it was his first crime from the evidence and whether he was methodical or sloppy, etc, so they are more easily able to tie his other crimes. Isn’t there any way to appeal to get FBI profilers involved and track this guy? Maybe I’ve been watching Criminal Minds too much, but I am sure they should be able to find this guy from the crime scene and other evidence; where there is a will, there is a way!

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